Just in time for the holidays: to feel better, help someone else!

I just stumbled across this. A new study shows a strong relationship between our ability to cope with stress and doing things to help others. Apparently, people who do things to help others, often little things in their daily lives, tend to manage stress and their own moods better.

It reminded me of good old George Bailey, in the classic film “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Who under immense stress, finds comfort (with the help of Clarence the angel) in the realization that the world is a better place for his having lived in it.

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Have a helpful day!

Don’t let them put the wrong brain in your head!

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Over the last few posts I’ve been sharing some ideas about ways to help yourself overcome depression. I’m going to share a lot more of these ideas. They are based on decades of research on effective treatments of depression and related conditions, as well as on many years of experience as both a psychologist and an explorer of my own moods, mind, and behavior. (They will eventually be the basis of my forthcoming book, The Five Stroke Depression Cure.)

But before going on, this might be a good time to discuss a what we might call a “commercial break.”

“Commercial breaks”

TV shows are often interrupted by commercial breaks, those few minutes (or many, many, many minutes!) of advertisements that you are expected to watch as the price of seeing the show.

Commercials are annoying, but they are also powerful. They influence us more than we realize.

Marketing researchers know that the mere fact of frequent exposure to a product, even if the ads annoy you, makes you more likely to think of, and buy, that product when you are in the store or shopping online.

More insidiously, commercials are powerful ways of convincing us of “what’s real.” Commercials are used during political campaigns to get us to accept fictional models of “reality,” to believe that perfectly nice leaders are “crooks,” that tyrants and idiots are the geniuses we’ve been waiting for, and to convince whole nations to go to war or vote against their own interests. We come to believe in the worlds presented in commercials, especially if we see the same messages over and over and over again.

The main concern I want to address is what I might call commercialized “breaks” or really, mental breakdowns. The media are full of ads that try to convince you that, to be frank, you are having a mental breakdown, that you are suffering from the dreaded “chemical imbalance” of depression.

Of course, if your unhappiness, anger, fatigue, and desire to strangle your cat is really due to such a “chemical imbalance,” it stands to reason that the only way to help you with this is to “ask your doctor” to give you some kind of medication.

Big Pharma spends millions every year to insert this “abnormal brain” idea into your head. To convince you that your brain is, in effect, something it isn’t. To convince you that your brain is “abnormal.”

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These are not entirely honest commercials. Depression is a complicated condition. Many things contribute to a depression — it is usually not a condition with a simple physical cause. Thinking habits and attitudes, childhood messages about your worth, as well as things such as traumas, losses, and fatigue, can contribute to a feeling that may or may even be a true clinical depression.

When we are depressed, we feel helpless. The very definition of depression, according to researcher Martin Seligman, was once described as the belief that “nothing I can do will make a difference.” Letting the multibillion dollar drug industry insert an image of a certain sort of “brain problem” into your head can be harmful. It may add to your feelings that you are helpless. You may become dependent, docile, believing that you are nothing without the meds they have. That you can’t make it on your own. What a great way to control you! (When you think about it, it’s the same technique that some abusive partners use.)

Big Pharma knows that depressed persons can be the easiest people to take advantage of. If they can convince you that you have an unbalanced, “abnormal” brain, you will be scared. Which will mean that if I’m selling you overpriced pharmaceuticals, I’ve got you right where I want you.

Because you will be desperate for my cure.

As a specialist in psychological disability, I’ve seen many people whose main psychological problem is sometimes that they have created an image of themselves as helpless. They don’t even try things to feel better anymore, don’t try to find a therapist, to change their lifestyle or exercise or read self-help books to feel better. They have settled into the slow death of passively waiting for others to provide the magical solutions to their malaise (via pills, illegal drugs, dependent relationships with parents or spouses, fairy godmothers, or disability payments).

A mental experiment

Just for fun, try to imagine the following paragraph being read out during a TV commercial for an antidepressant. Imagine it being read in that deep, serious, “caring” professional voice that always reads the drug side effects during drug ads:

Side effects of this medication may include believing that the only treatment for your condition is this medication. Other side effects can include a loss of confidence in your ability to recover on your own, a loss of motivation to try to help yourself, failure to make major life changes that you know are really overdue, and a tendency to see yourself as a permanently “sick” person or “mental patient.” All of which may cause depression to last longer and cut deeper into your soul.

What if there is a better way?

A way to learn to control your own moods, to write your own story? To have control of your own, perfectly normal and lovely and talented and creative brain?

Research has shown that medications are only a part (and not always a necessary part) of effective mental health treatment. Decades of research have shown that psychological treatments may be as effective or more effective.

As usual in this blog, this may be a decision you need to discuss with a doctor or therapist or loved one. But when you do so, discuss concerns and reservations honestly, and as assertively as you can. And remember to include in that discussion the fact that there are lots of things that you can do to manage depressions. Including dozens that I am virtually certain you don’t know about (nobody advertises “journaling” on prime time!)

Simple techniques such as the notebook tools I have just shared, can be powerful ways to treat a mood disorder. Psychotherapy, exercise, mindfulness meditation techniques, yoga, and healthy diets may also contribute a great deal toward your mental well-being. Solving “real life” problems such as stressful job situations, chronic exposure to abusive relationships, isolation, or a failure to express your truest values in your life, may also be effective.

As a last resort, watching less TV and even, in some cases, firing your doctor and finding a better one, may be more useful steps toward cure.

The Depression Notebook – continued

In the morning she scuffed her way to the kitchen and sat down with a fresh cup of coffee. It took a while for her to feel awake enough to look around, to survey the disaster. Somehow she’d cleaned up the sink full of dishes yesterday. Finally. It looked nicer. Her memory of the day was hazy, as usual. Brain fog, or something, she said under her breath.
She glanced at the table and saw the notebook, still sitting there under the damp towel. Only then did she remember — she’d written that list, the “what’s wrong?” list, the day before. What a slog through my collection of hells, she thought. She did not want to read it through, or think about the problems for a while.
She sipped the coffee and stared off into the distance. All the things going wrong…quite a list. Seemed a bit — just a bit — more manageable, at least, after doing that brain dump.
Then she remembered, there was another question. One was about what was wrong. What was the other one?
She refilled her coffee mug and sat back down. She opened the notebook to a new page. A fresh start. And again, as if a voice within whispered the words, she wrote at the top of the clean sheet, “What’s going well?”
She stared at the sheet for a long time. This was harder. Finally she wrote, “well, the coffee is hot.”
Smiled a bit. That was stupid.
“…and the dishes are done. The kitchen looks a bit cleaner.”
She sat a while longer, nothing else coming to mind. Then something did. Just a little thing. She wrote it down.
And another came to mind.
After a while she stopped. She’d filled half the page. There was a list there, which came from…somewhere. Things going well.
The stupid smile came back to her face. She decided to get up and shower and finish the cleaning. Something felt a bit better, anyway. Maybe not hugely better. But a bit.

Getting the mind out of the depressive track
Depression tends to involve a cycle of thinking and mood symptoms. They tend to fuel each other, much like a cat chasing, but then catching and biting on his own tail.
When you are depressed, you tend to filter out the good stuff. You are less able to remember the positives, the pleasant experiences. It’s harder to remember the many things that are going right, because you get so focused on what is going wrong.
It’s a form of tunnel vision. Only focusing on the bad parts.
I like to think of this as a sort of survival reflex gone rogue. In primitive times, we probably needed a way to cope with emergencies that involved laser-like focus on whatever was going wrong. You want to survive in a stone-age environment, you need to be aware of the falling tree, the attacking animal, the noise in the bushes. Everything else should be put on hold.
Which is fine for coping with an immediate, short-term emergency. It keeps you alive.
The problem is that in most of our lives, the sources of danger are not short term, and not physical threats that require an immediate response. Rather, they are simmering problems: a relationship under strain. A bill that you can’t pay this month. A chronic physical condition. Loneliness. Loss of a love.
Those problems are not acute, fix-it-this-second-or-die emergencies. Yet our brains treat them as if they were.
Meaning, we automatically focus only on these negative things. And so we forget about the rest of life. The good parts.
In short, our conscious awareness gets stuck in a toxic groove. All we see is the negative.
This in turn triggers our biology, and nasty things happen. Stress hormones, brain chemistry, a cascade of ick.
The advantage of making yourself shift focus
Several decades of research in depression has confirmed what some of the ancient philosophers taught about the healing effects of shifting your focus away from the ick. Often, the simple act of listing what is going well, of writing down things you are thinkful for, or even just forcing yourself to smile, can actually, believe it or now, help you feel better.
In effect, what you think and what you do to feel less depressed can be as effective (or even more effective) than taking a pill to treat your depression. These things literally do change your brain chemistry as effectively at times as antidepressants.

Thoughts and acts are medicine

Try this exercise a few times. It’s one of many ways of doing this. Just do it and see if it helps at all:

Write down a list of “things going right in my life today.”

Little things count. The coffee you like. Someone smiled at you. The sun came up.
Just see what happens. Not promising it will work. Just worth a try.

Putting Pen to Paper

A woman sits alone in a quiet room, weighted down by a sadness that has come over her like a heavy, smothering wet blanket. She feels alone, hopeless, has no energy. She cries often. She has had bad things happen to her, feels like a failure, sees nothing but the dark days of winter and cold and isolation and shame ahead.
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Almost by accident, as if a force inside her was gently encouraging her to do it, she picks up a pen and opens an old notebook. Maybe one that her child abandoned when she moved away, maybe an old sheaf of paper. And for a time she merely doodles. Tries to draw, tries to focus her mind.
Finally, she writes, “What’s wrong?” on the paper. She starts listing all her faults. Her failings. Her losses, in love, in comfort. She nearly writes about some bad, horrible memories she may have…but at the last second her thoughts veer away.
After a time she puts down the pen. It’s enough. She may feel…just tired after that. She sleeps, even though it is the middle of the day. Later she wakes up and makes tea and stares out the window.
Or perhaps she does feel better. Just a bit. She glances at her list of faults and problems. Shrugs, and then decides she should make her bed. Maybe change the sheets. Feed the cat.

The complexity of depression
Many people with depression have had similar experiences. Sometimes a feeling of being overwhelmed, sometimes the near-opposite, a sense of flatness, numbness, emptiness. It is often the case that depression is mingled with other bad feelings and thoughts: anxiety, panic, fear. Old traumas that never seem to fade are often the distant cause of current depression, confusion, endless-seeming pain. The body is often affected in myriad ways as well, whether through chronic pain, cravings for toxic substances, headaches, fibromyalgia. Or just a constant fatigue, a need to sleep, an inability to sleep.
Depression’s complications are many — it is not simply a matter of a down mood or a few simple-to-identify bad thoughts or mental habits. It’s like a ball of yarn that’s been dragged out into the yard and forgotten for a season. It’s tangled, messy, dirty, knotted, and it smells bad.
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It is important to respect, and not to ignore, how complicated and tangled depressions usually are. They are like a tangle of yarn from four or five or ten different sources, mingled together. It is in fact the very complexity, the many many things that both cause and then result from depression, that makes it, often, so overwhelming.

Untangling the mess
I’m going to suggest a lot of things that might help you to feel better if you’re depressed. They will include very simple things you can do or think, and also some that, to work, will require that you learn a simple set of skills. (Nothing too hard, but probably things nobody taught you to do at home or in school.) In fact, my book will list over fifty things you can do to manage, or even eliminate, depression.
But one simple thing, one that many people do find helpful, is to write down the answers to two questions.
The first question is, “what’s wrong?”

From “What’s wrong with me?” to something else…

When we’re depressed, our first impulse when asking ourselves this question is to ask “what’s wrong with me? We tend to want to blame ourselves. This can, sometimes, lead to a litany of self-blaming statements that only sink us deeper into the blackness of our moods… much like struggling to pull your feet out of quicksand will only sink you deeper into it.
I would suggest a slight change in what you write. Just write the question this way:
What’s wrong in my life? What’s going on that is bothering me?

Then jot down anything that is troubling you. Be messy. If there are “external” problems like money or relationship worries, write them out — shorthand, or even drawings, can be enough. List names, list situations, list the sink full of dishes, the backache, the unpaid bills.

The point in writing out your problems this way is not to fuel more ruminating about them. The point is to clear your mind.

That’s all it’s for. For now, having things a bit out there, may be enough.

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When I was learning to be a therapist my favorite supervisor, Paul, explained something to me about doing a first interview with a patient. It has always stuck with me.
He advised me to start my intake interviews with one question: “What brings you in?” Then to just listen. Give the client the space to talk about it. All of it. All of the many things that are troubling them. And don’t start jumping in with a hundred questions and suggestions.
Paul said that you wait for the moment when the person has talked it out. The moment when they have listed, explained, talked about all the things that are troubling them. It might be one thing, or two, or fifty. But a moment wil come when they finally stop. They may audibly sigh. They relax.
It’s all out there. Finally.
Write until you get to that point. Until it’s all out there.
Maybe you cry. Or maybe it seems clearer now.
Then rest. Take a nap. Sip some tea.
That may be enough for now.

Confidence (from School of Life)

I’m going to pick up next with my suggestions for trying some quick self-help ideas for managing depression. But I wanted to share a very short, useful video that I’ve just discovered and enjoyed on the subject of confidence. It comes from a YouTube channel put out by an organization called The School of Life, founded by philosopher and author Alain de Botton. (Who just did a great interview on Tim Ferriss’s podcast channel.) The “School of Life” is devoted to “developing emotional intelligence,” which of course would include many of the concepts that are very relevant to all forms of “high performance self help,” including overcoming depression, anxiety and other painful conditions.

It would also be related to the idea of developing one’s “social intelligence,” or that “superpower” of knowing how to live with and deal effectively with relationships, people and so on. Which I wrote about a few years ago in the Social IQ book (below).

(BTW, I don’t get anything from anybody for mentioning these guys’ stuff, if you’re worried. Though there is one exception: if a million people were to buy a digital or (if you can find any — they’re out of print) paper copy of my book The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Enhancing Your Social IQ, it might pay for a lunch or two. Those are here.)

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